Hey guys. I saw Fifty Shades today and will post the review for it tomorrow. But first today, I want to start off by explaining why I don’t dislike, and even like Fifty Shades. I may lose some followers, and to those followers, I am truly sorry it has to be this way. I value each and every one of you but I just have to say this. I am so, so tired of Fifty Shades-shaming. There was little to no complaint before the book was popular and only slightly more controversial when the book was planned to be made into a movie. At first it seemed the only complaint was that it was poorly written. Where I can see how it is not written perfectly simply due to the fact that it was initially a fanfiction, I can understand that being a complaint if you are disappointed that she didn’t spend another three months reviewing and sophisticating it’s diction when a publisher says it’s fine. Then it was just awkward to read it in public because EVERYONE knew what it was about. Okay, that’s perfectly fine. BDSM isn’t really something we openly talk about in public, especially at the kids’ soccer games or ballet recital rehearsals. Now the movie is here and all of a sudden, Christian Grey is an abuser. Now, I have seen lists of reasons why people don’t like Fifty Shades and I can tell who has read the book and has a little bit of backup for their criticism and who clearly hasn’t and is just making shit up. Let’s start with the criticisms that are true or I think are on the fence, but will agree with.
Stalker. Yes, he has stalker tendencies and Ana on MANY occasions expresses her discomfort with this.
Possessive. I would be lying if I said he weren’t. He is very territorial, which I honestly don’t think is too far past reality. For couples either just starting out or who have been together for a long time, they rely on trust and communication to keep “tabs” on each other. And though the term “keeping tabs” has a negative connotation, it’s simply true that we in the modern age are not only capable to, but do keep tabs on one another constantly. There are several people that have automatic updates on facebook to tell EVERYONE where they are. People text 24/7 asking “where are you?” “where are you?” “where are you?” Christian just has a different way of going about it because it’s the only way he, in his damaged mind knows how. So apart from knowing where everyone is at every hour of the day, there is also when someone comes into the picture trying to mess things up. This has happened to me on several occasions with my girlfriend. Guys thinking that I’ll have them on the side because they think that bisexuality is synonymous with polyamory (that’s another discussion for another rant) brought out my girlfriend’s possessive side (and though it wasn’t necessarily fun I understand her discomfort and her feeling like she needed to stay close), or by stupid girls that thought they could tempt my girlfriend that made me want to keep tabs on them to make sure there was no funny business.. In moments of intimidation, even if cognitively you know there is no threat, I believe it is human nature to protect what your brain has decided is yours on an emotional level. We were dating exclusively and these people coming in to our lives seemingly threatening to come between us. Now, this is not admirable behavior so keep in mind that we were adolescents at the time and still relatively new to the dating world. Christian also has the mentality of an adolescent. In his mind he is totally justified in his pissing contests and in staying close. Now is this admirable or okay? No. But he doens’t know any better, and Ana does eventually help him see that he was being ridiculous.
Jealous. I believe this is covered in Possessive.
Bad tempered. There is no hiding that this man has a temper. He gets angry very, very easily. But he also is relaxed relatively easily and amused quickly. He just has crazy, crazy mood swings, like an adolescent. But never, not once does he lay a hand on her. Does he say some things that are not nice? Yes, not frequently, but yes he has. Haven’t we all?! I know SO many people that have said downright awful things to their partners that they regret for the rest of that relationship, simply because they were angry. Is it an excuse? No. But I’d say it is safe to say that nearly everyone has done this or will do this eventually.
Controlling. Yes, Christian Grey is a control freak. It goes well beyond what is considered normal and acceptable. To his defense, he truly in his messed up mind thinks he needs this. He finds out later however, that he doesn’t require it but that controlling people gives him comfort to make up for years of having none. Does this excuse him? No. And don’t worry, for the critics that have not read the book, Ana let’s him know in more ways than one that his “control-freakery” is not acceptable. Though she does acquiesce to his need to guarantee her safety and understands the times he acts out in his concern, she also lays down a line to how far he can go before she feels uncomfortable and controlled. This is a struggle throughout the trilogy until they find a fine line and find a method to ensure Ana feels she has her freedom and independence, but Christian doesn’t go out of his mind with anxiety.
Threatening. He does threaten her, though generally in a sensual manner (or what to himself may sound sensual). For instance threatening to take her over his knee, it’s a kind of sexy threat (to him, a man with a sadism fetish), and generally Ana just rolls her eyes at this and continues on the conversation. There are a few times he says it with a growl or a gruff tone and Ana reminds him to keep his hair on despite the intimidation. Generally it is a loose threat that he does not intend to make good on, just wishing to make a point. Now, this doesn’t really sit well with me either because despite the intention, the fact of that matter is that he is intimidating her. As the story progresses however, she takes less and less of it and even starts to fight back when she feels he is trying to intimidate her. This for him is just another way for him to make sure things go his way and before anyone reverts us back to the controlling part of my argument, let me remind that though it may not be intimidation (for quite a few people it may be) may not be the way that most people go about it. We all have little manipulation tactics. For me, it’s guilt-tripping. If I have associates on my shift that won’t listen to me for whatever reason, I tend to guilt-trip them by letting them know everything that is on my shoulders relating to work to show them how much of an inconvenience their attitude or inefficiency is to me. This actually generally works and does get them to work faster. For others it may be something else, either aggressive or sneaky. Anywho, the threatening I will list as a “true, that happens” and whether in or out of context it’s not a good thing, but it’s something Ana (as a strong character) addresses.
Demeaning. Synonyms for this include: humbling, humiliating, mortifying. No. Just no. He actually empowers Ana, letting her know how beautiful she is, how capable she is of doing whatever she set her mind to, whether it be a publishing assistant, a publisher, or a CEO of a publishing house. I can’t think of one time that this man ever intentionally put her down whether as a woman or a human being.
Manipulative. I believe this was covered in controlling and threatening.
Selfish. Who isn’t?! Skipping this with a virtual eye-roll.
Violent. No. Just no. Now, if we are talking about when he is in the playroom and he hits her, then out of context certainly that would be considered violent. But it was intended to elicit a sexual response, which it did in most cases for that 1% of the time that it doesn’t she lets him know whether in a calm or aggressive manner and he feels like shit about himself. If we are talking about the spanking situations, let me point out that there was a time in the book where she asked him not to and he backed right the hell up. Any time she says no, he backs the hell off.
Ignores Consent. Bull. Shit. There was never a time in this series that he did not ask for consent or if he didn’t, if she said no as I said he backed the hell up. He was not going there. Clearly whoever said this had not read the books and was just making shit up.
Ignores Safewords. Again, bullshit! Are we even reading the same book at this time or are people just making shit up? He even allows her to come up with her own safewords that she will definitely remember so… no, he takes safewords very very seriously.
Abusive. I believe that this entire argument was about proving he is not an abuser. At times he can even be an enabler. He brings her up, makes her feel beautiful, confident, sure in herself. For those people that label him an abuser, I wonder if they have been in a sexually/psychologically abusive relationship. If they have, then fine, they have their reasons though I do not see eye-to-eye with it because I did not have the same experience. I have been in a sexually and psychologically abusive relationship. There are certain romance novels I can’t read if there is something about abuse and there have been a few novels I put back for a phrase that was said or a character that reminded me of my abuser, sometimes I can return to it and sometimes I can’t, it just depends. I will give you guys that he is charismatic and slick as an abuser, but Christian himself is not an abuser. He does not force Ana to do anything she doesn’t want to, he reminds her all of the time that she can walk out at absolutely any time and he won’t stop her. Now, he does some shitty things that he feels shitty about, but we all do! The circumstances are clearly different, but the fact remains we all do stupid shit to hurt people, sometimes on purpose and sometimes on accident and then when it does hurt someone, we feel bad about it. And for those that didn’t read the book, I’ll inform you that Ana is perfectly capable of handling herself as she does leave him at the end when she decides this lifestyle is not for her and it’s not healthy for her. At the beginning of the second installment, she is a trainwreck and so is he, they meet, talk it out and Christian agrees to hang the rules and try just being together as a normal couple because he can not stand being without her and can’t stand to see her in pain.
This is a story about a man with an adolescent’s mind in a grown up world needing to escape in his fetish where he feels comfortable and comforted. He is accustomed to getting anything he wants without question, and when this woman that he is inexplicably drawn to comes into his life and challenges everything, he must adapt and alter his own brain chemistry to have the best of both worlds, love with the family and white picket fence, and his fetish which ties his past to his present and even his future in a way that works for him.
What people need to remember is:
-This is a fetish novel. Is it completely accurate? Likely not due to the fact that not all BDSM practitioners are self-made billionaires and so probably can’t afford everything he can as far as an elaborate playroom with all of the BDSM fixins.
-This is occurring between two consenting adults. One that is about five years older than the other. This isn’t a huge age gap so it’s not like he is preying on a teenager or a child, and he does not do anything with/to her that she does not consent to.
-It was a goddamn fanfiction first. So to those expecting quality let’s even put fanfiction aside and remember that this is an erotica novel. It is intended to elicit a sexual response to written word. And for many it does that. Don’t judge. We all have our weird quirks. Some watch porn, some read it, and some just have very vivid imaginations.
So please. Enough of the Fifty Shades shaming. If it’s not your cup of tea that’s fine, but enough of the name calling and shaming for the millions of women that read it and thought it was sexy. Christian Grey is not an abuser, this is not about enabling abusers, this is not glorifying rape culture.
So just quit.
